Help Yourself
[SCENE OPENS ON A TALK SHOW; A MAN IS SEATED NEXT TO A WELL-DRESSED WOMAN IN BUSINESS ATTIRE. THE WOMAN SEEMS VERY AGGRESSIVE, ALMOST DANGEROUS].
Host: Good evening, and welcome to Help Yourself. Tonight we have with us Dr. Nancy Friday, the controversial author of My Mother, Myself, as well as many other publications dealing with women’s issues. Welcome to Help Yourself, Dr. Friday.
Friday: Thank you.
Host: Doctor, ever since your book, My Mother, Myself came out on the market, there’s been a plethora of other books like it; My Niece My Nephew, My Uncle My Brother, My Sister My Lover, and of course the latest, All Of My Second Cousins. Can you tell me why these books have been so popular?
Friday: I don’t know, and I really don’t care. All of these books are rip-offs of my original work, and I’ve had enough of it. I’ve already taken action regarding this situation.
Host: Oh, are you planning on taking the authors to court?
Friday: No, I’m planning on cashing in on it! If these people can make money off of someone else’s work, then so can I!
Host: What do you mean?
Friday: I’ve already written three new self-help books that are coming out on the market soon [takes out books from briefcase and presents them]: I’m OK, You’re a Creep, I’m Going to Kill You, You Dirty Bastard, and You’re the Problem.
Host: Well, we don’t have time to discuss all of the books you’ve mentioned, but could you tell me a little more about that last one, You’re….
Friday: ..The Problem. Yes, it’s the exact reverse of all the self-help books written up till now. I woke up one morning after having written my fifteenth book on taking responsibility for your life, and I thought "This is bullshit! Why should I go to all this trouble taking responsibility for things? Let others make me happy. Let them be responsible for a change. If they can’t give me what I want, then fuck ‘em.
Host: Uh, doctor, we are broadcasting live. There are certain things you can’t say on the…
Friday: Oh, screw you. I’ve spent my whole life controlling my inner wants and desires, and what did it get me? I was miserable. You see that statue over there? (Points to small glass statue on coffee table.)
Host: Uh, yes?
Friday: It sucks! (Smashes it to pieces with her briefcase. Host is becoming unnerved.) I’ve embraced a life of total hedonism! Hey! That’s a great title! Sandy! Bring me my notebook and my bong!
Host (gesturing off-stage): Uh, can we go to a…no?
[Handsome young man runs up on stage with notebook and bong, hands bong to Friday.]
Friday: Well, at least there are a few perks for being a best-selling author. (Takes a toke from the bong. Lets it out.) Sandy! Take this down: Embrace Total Hedonism! Got that? (Young man writes in notebook).
Sandy: Is there anything else I can do for you, doctor?
Friday (Leering at him): Yeah, as a matter of fact, there is. (Jumps on top of him, starts taking her clothes off.) Host turns towards camera.
Host (ignoring couple on floor): Well, there you have it. Be with us next week when our guests will be Ozzy Ozborne, Black Sabbath and Twisted Sister, who will describe for us their early experiences in the Boy Scouts of America. Thank you for joining us. Good night.
END.